Posted by Sue Landsman on Feb.21, 2009

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If you ask any doctor, or look in any magazine, the symptoms of stress are pretty clear: you’re tense, have a hard time making decisions, and you’re snappy; everything other people do seems to be calculated to drive you crazy. Yet, most of us run around all the time so much that this kind of condition is natural. If we’re not stressed, we’d probably stress out about not being stressed. But is it okay to be this stressed all the time? Is it okay for our kids?

Most of the time management books talk about how to budget for relaxation time, or make appointments for exercise or “me” dates. What they don’t talk about is just how unlikely it is you’re going to relax if you know you’ve only got fifty minutes between the hours of 3 and 4 and only if there’s no traffic and you don’t really have to stop and get bread and you know you’re going to pay for this dearly when you come out of hiding and your small child is desperate for your attention. It’s possible that the trained lab rats were able to relax under these conditions, but quite probably just before they dropped dead.

But how do you make time to relax and de-stress yourself?

Triple your time estimates. I am constantly amazed at how much time it takes to relax. A half hour doesn’t do it. An hour doesn’t do it. I need at least half a day of doing nothing to feel….well…relaxed. And that happens about as often as a fish gets to wear tap shoes. There’s a Japanese word for this called “ma,” which means “the space in between.” What we need to relax isn’t just time, but a feeling of spaciousness in between our activities, and this defies budgeting. Almost by definition this space will be greater than we think it should be, eager as we are to fit something else into our packed days.

Be brutal about commitments. Even though I homeschool my kids, my family is as busy as any other with activities, schoolwork, and classes outside the house. If I’m not ruthlessly careful about our commitments, it’s easy to end up out too much for our sanity. I can tell when this happens: my kids are at each others’ throats, we don’t remember the last time we had a real home-cooked dinner, and I feel like I’ll go crazy if I have to do something like listen to my daughter’s guinea pig presentation one more time. In order to say “yes” sometimes you need to say “no” a whole lot more.

Take mental health days. Yes, entire days. The best thing about home schooling, and our life in general, are the days we stay home the entire day. Recently we were home for a miraculous few days straight because of snowstorms. I figured after a day or two my kids would be eager to get out of the house, but no one wanted to leave. One day they spent the morning making jewelry after we finished our schoolwork, and much of the afternoon playing music together (a fine trio of accordion, piano, and half-size violin). I got my work done, finished reading a book, and wrote two articles. No one even argued over who was taking the most buttery pieces of popcorn.

Most parents are used to giving their children “time-outs” for bad behavior. But how many people give “time-ins?” How many parents give their children, or themselves time to just be who they are buffered from any other demands on time and attention? Everyone knows parents have lousy poker faces when it comes to our kids. Shock, joy, adoration, fear–you can see it on our faces. Everyone also knows that kids are expert at sensing what we really think and feel. So it’s important to be able to have some real time that’s spaced out from the hustle of our lives so that we can settle down and be present.

Remember that activities aren’t necessarily family time. Don’t forget all the work and management that goes into getting your family out of the house and in the car, never mind travel time. Doing things outside the house can be fun, but but it isn’t necessarily down time or time that everyone feels like they’re connecting with each other. With time at home, my children and I all remember how to appreciate each other’s company and occupy ourselves in enjoyable, nourishing ways. We get to have french toast made with eggs from our own chickens, or sit around a game with a real, home-made snack.

In general, this is always true (except when it isn’t in a very horrible, bad way): the more time at home we spend together, the happier everyone is and the better we all get along. So when people wonder “how can you be around your kids all that time?” I just smile.

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Posted under About Mom.