Posted by Becca Larsen on Nov.30, 2009

ⓒ iStockPhoto - sjlocke

As mentioned in the first installment of Parenting a Different Child, children with neurological differences such as autism, learning disorders or ADHD may not realize they are different at first. To them, the world is how they see it, even if that isn’t how the “normal” people do.  Because the different perceptions affect how they interact with the world, their differences are bound to become an issue at some point, and as a parent, you’ll need to explain that to them. If they’re school age, they may have some inkling that they’re not like their peers, but not quite sure how or why.

“Political Correctness” gets a certain level of mocking for insisting on phrases like “differently abled” for what people under the middle of the bell curve see as a disability. What seems like an inconsequential matter of semantics to adults can have a profound impact on a child, so the language and presentation matter. A child told he has a learning disability, who sees disabled people in wheelchairs, may get wholly the wrong impression of his own situation. The way you approach your child’s situation right from the start affect how he sees himself and his situation. Therefore, consider your own perceptions, attitudes and phrasing before you address your child.

Be Honest with your Child, but Neutral

When it comes time to explain to your child, be as neutral as possible. Some parents explain it as “You think differently from other kids.” It’s not better or worse, just different. If your child is being assessed because of difficulties in school, he or she may already have an idea that something is up. If they’re being evaluated, they’ll want to know why they are taking tests that their friends don’t need to take.

Explain the situation to your child in the most neutral language possible. If your child has been having difficulties in school or with peers, you might frame the tests as trying to find ways that parents and teachers can make school easier for him.

Whatever you do to explain the situation prior to a diagnosis, don’t tell your child that the tests are to find out “what’s wrong with him.” Part of raising a different child is accepting your child’s situation for what it is, then improving it so he can function independently. Living with autism, learning disorders or ADHD is enough for a child without him thinking there’s something wrong with him. Some interventions may take advantage of brain plasticity to rewire a child’s brain to, in effect, “fix” parts of the disorder, and that may take some delicate explanation.

When you do get a diagnosis or the results of an evaluation, talk with the evaluators about how best to explain the particular situation to your child in developmentally-appropriate terms or enlist their assistance presenting it to the child. To fully adapt, children must know what’s going on with themselves, but in language that they can understand and that helps them. At first, and with younger children, a lot of information will be need-to-know, and they don’t necessarily need to know it all at once.

Be prepared for your child to tell everyone she meets about her condition. Even neurotypical children aren’t particularly discreet, so telling the grocery store checker that she has ADHD is developmentally typical for any child.

Encourage (and Have) Outside Interests and Activities

When a child has a neurological difference, particularly one that requires a large adjustment in your family’s daily routine, it’s easy to have everything revolve around the child’s difference. No matter how severe your child’s issue is, he is more than his diagnosis. Make sure he has hobbies and time to be a kid, not just an autistic or learning-disabled or ADHD kid. The conditions may affect the types of hobbies or interests a child has, but make sure they get exposed to life outside the bubble of their condition.

A support group for other parents and children with similar differences can be a valuable source of ideas, coping strategies and understanding shoulders to lean on as you navigate the world of parenting a child with autism, a learning disorder or ADHD. A support group where your main commonality is your children’s disorder can also shrink your world.

If your social circle includes a support group, make sure you and your child have friends outside the support group, too. Interacting with neurotypical children acclimates your child to operating in the larger world. While getting together with parents of neurotypical children may emphasize the kind of normality that seems far off when you’re dealing with an autistic or learning-disabled child, it also gives you and a sense of what challenges aren’t part of your child’s disorder, and a perspective of what parts of your struggles are universal parenting issues. All children can be difficult at times in their own ways, independent of an diagnosed condition.

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Posted under Family, GDM Kids, Tweens, Teens.