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How to Train Your Dragon
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Posted by Naomi de la Torre on Jul.10, 2010
ⓒ iStockPhoto - Colonel
Children are not dragons. But a good number of parenting models treat them as if they were. Okay. So there are some similarities. Like being loud and unpredictable, tendencies toward mass destruction and general chaos, supernatural abilities like shape-shifting and breathing fire, and acting as the genesis and origin of many wondrous legends.
Regardless, the popular new movie sensation, “How to Train Your Dragon,” makes a valid point that applies to both children and dragons: They are nothing more than another one of Earth’s living and breathing creations: complex and mythical, often misunderstood, but deep inside looking for the same thing all creatures seek—love.
So how do we train them?
Parenting is an enormous responsibility and should never be taken lightly. But the numerous parenting techniques and styles that exist prove nothing more than the fact that there is no perfect answer when it comes to raising children. What works with one child will fail with another. What fails with one child will succeed magnificently with the next. Most parenting books will try to convince you that they have found the perfect solution. The key. The secret. The Scooby Doo moment at the end of the mystery funhouse tunnel. But they are wrong.
Authoritative. Permissive. Strict. Nurturant. Attachment. Detachment. Independent. Dependent. Slow. Indulgent. The list is never-ending. And while all these models may have excellent suggestions and useful theories, there is no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to children.
Teaching children self-discipline, kindness, generosity, love, and all the other virtues that will help them to grow into loving, compassionate adults is not always easy. In the past, many parenting models treated children like beasts to be tamed. And while many children will respond to whipping, yelling, and other forms of corporal punishment, these children are not learning why and how they should behave, they are just being frightened into doing so.
On the other hand, if you use no forms of discipline or consequences whatsoever, children will not realize that negative behavior comes with negative consequences. And they may not learn to care about the feelings of anyone but themselves.
What children need is a good balance of love, compassion, attention, fun, a safe environment in which to learn and grow, and gentle but strict boundaries. They need to know that they are important to us and deeply loved. But they also need to know that negative behaviors are consistently met with unhappy consequences.
When you have just one baby, you are likely to go through a phase where you believe that there is a perfect way to parent and a perfect way meet all your baby’s needs. But by the time you have your second child, you realize that this is a unicorn fantasy. Each child has infinite needs and you cannot always attend to them. Does this mean your toddler is being emotionally scarred when he cries for 10 minutes because he desperately wants juice while you finish up nursing your newborn?
Of course not. But the height of emotion children are capable of eliciting during their emotional outbursts can make even the most organized and nurturing mom feel like a mess.
For example, my son Nino (who is truly a sweet child most of the time and up until this point has been a delightful playmate) has recently started having meltdowns while playing with his friends because according to him, “They won’t play with me.” At first I found myself concerned and upset about this situation. What was going on? Why would his friends leave him out this way? How could they be so mean?<
But when I questioned him more specifically (and also observed the play dynamics in action), I realized that it’s not that Nino’s friends won’t play with him, it’s that his friends don’t want to follow along in his (sometimes) tyrannical dictatorship of playtime. If Nino wants to play Lego, then it is high treason if your son wants to play Power Rangers or Mr. Potato Head. Punishable by death or at least a full-scale temper tantrum.
Navigating how to deal with this playtime drama was more challenging than I expected. I like to be nurturing and kind, especially when someone is upset. But after listening to Nino and giving him hugs, I realized that what Nino needed right now was not someone to fan the flames of his hysteria, but a stern voice telling him that he needs to learn to compromise with his friends during playtime. Or else.
To me, this is one of the hardest parts of parenting. Setting limits. Setting boundaries. Saying no when you want to say yes. Being stern when you just want to comfort your child. Because I remember being a kid and feeling left out. I remember being excited to play some special game with my friends and finding that no one wanted to play it with me. I remember being the last one picked to play dodge ball.
But I also know that I don’t want Nino to turn into the bratty kid that no one wants to play with because he always wants his way and doesn’t know how to take turns or compromise. And so I was stern when I wanted to be soft. I gave him a serious face when I wanted to give him another hug. And I said, “Nino, go back outside and find a way to compromise with your friends. Or this playdate is over.”
There is no way to know how each parenting choice we make and each instant of our shared lives will affect the ultimate growth of our precious children. In moments like these, I can only hope that I’ve made the right choice and that the discomfort we both felt as I sent him back out to work things out with his friends was the right choice.
For me, parenting is full of these kind of moments. The moments where I know that the choice that feels instinctively right is also the one that makes me feel most uncomfortable. And so I try to toe the line that I’ve made for myself. And believe that these moments of discomfort will eventually be moments of growth. For both of us.
And I try to remember that spending too much time agonizing over whether or not I am doing everything perfectly (I’m not) or whether or not my child is developing perfectly (he isn’t) is a waste of time.
Learning to parent is a humbling experience. It makes you laugh, but it also makes you cry. It makes you realize that you are not perfect and neither is your beautiful, amazing child. But it also makes you step outside your comfort zone to take chances and learn things that you would never learn otherwise. And if any dragons are to be tamed, they aren’t the ones you expected. They are the ones lurking deep inside your heart. The ones you didn’t even know were there. Before you had children.
Posted under Family, GDM Kids, Tweens, Teens.
Article By: Naomi de la Torre
Profile: Naomi de la Torre is a stay-at-home-mom with two delightful boys, ages two and five. Naomi has an MFA in Creative Writing from the University of Arizona, is a self-proclaimed salsa diva and can make a killer octopus out of a single hot dog.
Website: http://organicmotherhoodwithcoolwhip.com
Latest posts by Naomi de la Torre
- Your Husband: Friend, Lover, or Coworker? - July 17th, 2010
- How to Train Your Dragon - July 10th, 2010
- Mami, I Want a Pet! - January 11th, 2010
- I Think My Butt Is Pregnant--Recovering from Postpartum Body Blues - January 5th, 2010
- The Glory of Poop - December 28th, 2009
- The Mystery of Birth - December 22nd, 2009
- Techie Toddlers and the iGeneration - December 15th, 2009
- Babywearing: The Next Best Thing Since Sliced Bread - December 8th, 2009
- The Family Bed: Not Just for Hippies Anymore - December 1st, 2009
- Traveling with Small Children - November 2nd, 2009
July 10th, 2010 on 12:46 pm
Great! You have such a delightful way with words Naomi!
Linda Jensen
July 10th, 2010 on 12:52 pm
Amazing and very true piece on what parenting really is about. I am almost certain you have spoken out what each and every mother out there feels and experiences each time. But you are right..we do what we think is right at that moment and hope they turn out fine. And yes we will make mistake-but that is the thing..parents are humans..we make them we learn and we hopefully create the best child we can.
Good luck with your 2 lovely children. And I can see that you are a great mother..so dont doubt yourself
July 10th, 2010 on 1:44 pm
I thought I was the only one who sometimes doubted their parenting skills! Those times when we get to hear “You’re the best Mommy ever” are the ones that carry us through the times when we see the rolling of the eyes, etc.
Toughest, most enjoyable job I’ve ever had!
July 10th, 2010 on 3:38 pm
I am not sure I entirely understoodd the manic emotional roller coaster of children, until I had one, then two, then three of them living in my house. It seems to be all or nothing with kids, and the dragon analogy is appropriate. They are either flying high or spitting fire to burn down the city. The only peace I can glean from the chaos that is parenthood in all the other houses around me is that I am not the only one navigating the emotionally draining landscape. Great article!!
July 10th, 2010 on 4:02 pm
i remember thinking parenting couldn’t be that hard, and what were all the books out there for anyways?! i had amazing parents that really did a great job raising all 8 of us kids to be responsible (mostly), upright, and productive citizens. granted, i never realized what else was out there, but now that i’m a parent myself, it’s occured to me how hard it is to be consistant (even just with one, let alone consistant among multiple children!), and how many things are out there (that aren’t ‘bad’ or ‘good’) that need to be regulated somehow… even if you don’t try to define your parenting style, there’s so much out there, and there’s never a right answer. but thanks for your thoughts and introspections. i love ‘em! and am still amazed (every day, by what my kids do and say) at how much there still is to learn about parenting!
July 10th, 2010 on 4:07 pm
I love the comparison to the movie! The hardest part of being a parent is even if you do everything right your kids will have to decide for themselves what kind of a person they want to be.
I think it is funny when my kids impose my boundries on adults. My son the other day was trying to tell these teenagers that they need to wear waterproof shoes if they are going to splash in puddles 
July 10th, 2010 on 5:03 pm
Great insight! I have two dragons myself.
July 10th, 2010 on 6:15 pm
Wonderful!
July 10th, 2010 on 6:33 pm
I have always found your observations of the dynamics between children and their surroundings to be wise and hilarious. A combination of which is rarely combined with any degree of competence. You combine these traits, and more, with your writing and it’s a refreshing break from the tedium of other “mommy blogs.” I routinely share your site with my friends that are mothers across the world. You would also be surprised to find a number of people who follow you do not have children (like myself)but simply enjoy your stories and humor. Please keep writing!
July 10th, 2010 on 8:57 pm
Love this article! I’ve never been a “mom” in the traditional sense, however I’ve taken care of a boat load of kiddos, different ages, differenct everything - yes, even poo! We were foster parents, and I’ve worked as a nanny, and care for kids here in my home. This article brings back many memories, all the worries, especially when foster parenting - wondering if I’m giving the kids all the things that they need, and feeling GUILTY - ah, what a waste! We strive for perfection, but finally get so busy we can’t remember what the word means, and the saying, “just get through this” becomes a mantra. I’m hoping to purchase this authors book, and plan on reading all the above mentioned articles, asap! Looking for more!!
July 10th, 2010 on 9:23 pm
Naomi - I love this article. I used to get so wound up reading parenting books - until I realised I don’t HAVE to do EVERYTHING they say - I can pick and choose, and apply what works best for my family. Awesome job, as always!
July 10th, 2010 on 11:14 pm
I surely needed to read this right now!
July 11th, 2010 on 7:52 am
Bravo Naomi, what a wonderful article that encapsulates the dichotomy between loving your children and spoiling them.
With three boys it is a constant struggle. I know I am not supposed to tell my boys not to cry and yet when my five year old cries at everything I call BS on that theory and so I teach him that if somebody hurts his feelings or if he hurts himself than yes by all means let the hurt out in tears but if a brother is teasing him he must learn that crying is not going to stop the teasing, in fact, crying will only exacerbate the need to tease.
So many great points, so many lessons for us to learn but just remember, just when you think you have a handle on the emotions, the discipline, the nurturing, they grow an inch taller and their behavior takes a ten yard turn. Hit the books, watch other parents you admire, take notes, trust your intuition and love, love, love without spoiling.
Think toward the future, if you envision your child being a caring, sharing, loving, respectful human being with manners than you must give them the proper tools to get there and never give in, never give up and stick to what you believe is right.
July 11th, 2010 on 12:53 pm
Great articel! You are an excellent writer and a terrific mom.
July 11th, 2010 on 4:08 pm
Naomi,
You have a way of making us moms out here in the trenches feel not so alone. As I said to my mother-in-law earlier, it IS such a fine line between being loving and wanting to lavish love at all costs. That line gets crossed way too often with too many parents not wanting to hurt their kids feelings more than they want to teach their child the social skills that they need. Some lessons are harder than others, but by protecting our kids form that stuff, we do them a great disservice. Good for you for recognizing it for what it was, a GREAT teachable/learning moment.
Write On, Girl!!!!
July 13th, 2010 on 10:06 am
Naomi - what a great piece and so well stated (also love the mention of the Scooby Doo moment - what can I say??) I like that you resisted the rush to a four step model (or out did it with a three step model).
I am linking to this piece on my FB page (www.facebook.com/thesinglemotherschronicles)!
Swati
July 13th, 2010 on 12:26 pm
Great article! Looking forward to reading more of your posts. So true, so true!!! Our children teach us just as much as we teach them.