Posted by Naomi de la Torre on Jul.17, 2010

©iStockphoto.com - lisegagne

Having a baby changes a lot of things in one’s life. For me, it sparked a massive change in lifestyle, made me look inside myself more deeply, caused me to reevaluate my friendships, and even changed my marriage.

Before you have kids, being married is a lot like dating. You get to spend all your time doing whatever you want, whenever you want. You see movies, go dancing, eat out, travel together, go to sports games, and enjoy plenty of romance. You don’t have to plan ahead. You just do whatever feels right in the moment. Until we had our first baby, I still felt a lot like a kid myself. Life was basically carefree.

Pregnancy gives couples a little taste of what is to come because we are suddenly aware that we have created a life together, and so we experience this amazing sense of awe for our capacity to create and the responsibility that comes with our creation.

However, it isn’t until the baby is actually born that the real change begins. Suddenly there are diapers to change, food to cook, laundry to fold, dishes to wash, bathrooms to clean, thank-you notes to write, phone calls to return, and of course, a baby to hold and feed. Instead of being able to do whatever you want, you are on the baby’s schedule 24/7 and everyone is tired.

Suddenly, your husband is not just your best friend and lover anymore. This is business, serious business. There is work to be done. There are decisions to be made. There are responsibilities to be divided. And your husband is your only coworker.

The Corn-and-Peas Incident

In addition to all the new responsibilities that new parents must share, postpartum hormones can make some new moms a little more emotional and dramatic than anticipated. I remember an incident that happened between my husband and I a couple weeks after our son, Nino, was born.

My thoughtful husband called me from work to tell me that he was planning on making dinner for us. “I’m going to make us a nice dinner,” he said. “I just need to stop at the store on the way home to pick up some chicken, but I’ll be home right after that.”

“What else are you making?” I asked.

“Some vegetable, whatever we have in the crisper. And cornbread.”

For some reason, at that particular moment, I remembered some tasty corn and peas with an herb butter sauce that we had eaten a few nights before. My mouth began to water. I could almost taste the corn and peas. “I want corn and peas,” I announced decisively.

“Corn and peas? No, let’s just have whatever vegetable we already have at home. We don’t want to waste whatever is already there,” he said.

“I want corn and peas,” I repeated, my voice beginning to quiver. There was no question in my mind. I had to have corn and peas with herb butter sauce. Immediately.

“Are you crying? What is going on here?”

“I need corn and peas. Please. Just get me the corn and peas.” I was fully crying now and verging on committing all kinds of atrocities if I didn’t get corn and peas in the very near future.

There was a brief silence on the phone. I began to have all kinds of crazy thoughts. Divorce? Over corn and peas? Was it possible? How could he deny me corn and peas when he knew how important it was to me? What kind of man did I marry after all?

“Okay, okay. It’s going to be okay,” he said in the kindest voice, as if he was speaking to a two-year-old having a tantrum. “We’ll have corn and peas. I’ll be home soon. Do you want anything else?”

His words calmed me down and I began to feel much better. I looked out the kitchen window and the world began to look shiny and bright again. “A cake!” I said. “I want a cake.… ”

Needless to say, my darling husband came home soon after with chicken, corn and peas, and a lovely chocolate cake. He spoiled me even when I was terribly rotten. He was an angel when I was crazy and mean.

Every happy couple will probably have at least one corn-and-peas incident, due to massive hormonal fluctuations, sleep deprivation, general moodiness, and ordinary new parent exhaustion. It can be either parent who has a meltdown, but as long as your marriage was strong beforehand, you will make it through just fine.

The New Workforce

But no matter how wonderful and kind your partner is, you cannot take away the fact that having a baby creates work in your relationship and that this work has to be divided. Before you had children, the division of household chores may not have ever been an issue.

But now, every time you manage to fold six loads of laundry while holding your crying baby and cooking dinner at the same time, a little resentment begins to form. And every time you have to take out the trash (which is something your husband always used to do) you wonder, What he has been doing with all his time?

And when you get up in the middle of the night six times to nurse the baby while he sleeps, slack-jawed and drooling, you feel irritated. And when he comes home and wants to chill out and watch a little TV, you feel irritated. And when the baby finally goes to sleep and you have a moment where no one is touching you and no one is sucking on you, and your husband comes up and wants to hug you and kiss you, you might even find this irritating, as well.

Parenting is hard work. Let no one mislead you. You and your husband are co-workers now and there is a business to run.

But the business is yours and it is a beautiful business. And once you get past the initial shock of how much there is to do, you realize that you are a wonderful team and that you can’t do it without each other.

Becoming a Family

This is when the joy of becoming a family begins. Yes, having a family is work. Yes, there are bills to pay. Yes, there are chores to be done. But, when you get your groove going, adapt to your new life, and accept it for what it is, the incredible wonder and miracle of being a family is completely overwhelming.

I remember the first time I watched my husband hold our infant son. The look on his face as he gently stroked Nino’s face with two fingers was enough to fill my heart to bursting. Nowadays, anytime the kids do something silly or sweet or crazy, the first person I want to tell is him. Because he is the only one that knows them like I do.

Your family will not be perfect, but your family will become its own tiny universe. You will depend on each other like you never have before. You will take things out on each other. You will blame each other. You will demand corn-and-peas. You will get sick together. You will recover together. You will feel lonely without one another. And you will love each other more deeply than you could ever imagine.

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Posted under Family, GDM Men.