Posted by Naomi de la Torre on Dec.01, 2009

©iStockphoto.com - Stalman

If the concept of the family bed conjures up images of aging hippies nursing pre-teenagers while sleeping on all-hemp, tie-dyed mattress in incense-filled vegan communes, you are probably not alone. Even I, who practice the family bed in my own home, find it exotic when I manage to meet another normal-looking mother who admits to using the family bed. I can’t help but ask, “Why?” I am always curious to know what makes other people in our society choose to sleep with their children. In the United States, where independence is one of the founding virtues of our country, the idea of everyone in the household not having their own room or at least their own bed is definitively outside of the mainstream.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I spent a lot of time researching different methods of parenting. The ideas that appealed to me the most came from the ‘natural family living’ and ‘attachment parenting’ genres. Without having an actual child, it was hard to imagine how these theoretical concepts would play out in real life. But I knew that I was interested in parenting in a way that would optimize my ability to build a strong, loving attachment with my children.

Truth be told, attachment parenting is like quicksand. Once you purposefully walk anywhere near it, you are sucked into a vortex of ideas that feels almost like a religion. I love the bond that the attachment parenting methods (co-sleeping, breastfeeding on demand, baby wearing, etc.) have helped me to establish with my children. But sometimes it is hard to know where to draw the line and determine where my own limits lie.

For example, I adore sleeping with my children, but sometimes I wonder if my five-year-old son is old enough now to go to bed on his own (without me lying next to him until he is sound asleep). It sure would be nice to lie him down, give him a quick kiss and walk out the door. I would definitely enjoy a little more alone time with my husband in the evenings. But at the same time, I just can’t find it in myself to tell him after five years of cuddling him to sleep that I won’t do it anymore. Maybe I need those cuddles as much as he does.

The first pancake is always a little bit messy. Sometimes burnt around the edges and doughy in the middle, the cook is still trying to get his system down. Parenting is the same. Whatever parenting method you ascribe to, your first child is always an experiment. You do one thing and it works out great. You try another and it’s a total failure. Back to the drawing board … or at least, back to the parenting section at your local library.

The family bed is also messy. I won’t lie. The idea of everyone in a household quietly resting in their own beds with color-coordinated sheets and matching bedspreads seems orderly and clean. On the other hand, an entire family piled up on a single mattress like a litter of puppies seems somehow primitive and backwards. If you enjoy getting kicked in the face or the kidneys while you sleep, you will love the family bed. If you don’t mind being an all-night buffet to your nursing babies and toddlers, you will adore the family bed. If you don’t mind spending half the night semi-alert in order to make sure your children haven’t fallen off the mattress or gotten tangled up in the blankets, you will be thrilled with the family bed.

In all seriousness, the family bed truly is wonderful if you can get past these minor obstacles. Yes, it is more work to parent your children throughout the night than it is to have them in their own rooms. But, there is amazing peace in being in such close contact with your children throughout the darkest hours of the night. I never worry about them like I would if they were in another room. I am certain I would lose just as much (or more) sleep trekking back and forth across the house to check on them and make sure they were alive and breathing.

If you practice the family bed, you probably buy into the primary theory behind attachment parenting. You view your children’s desire to be close to you as a need and not a manipulation. Being physically and emotionally available to your children is a real pleasure and not a meaningless sacrifice when you believe that you are helping them build a secure attachment to you and a genuine trust in the world at large.

If you are already an attachment parent, allowing your babies and children to sleep in your bed just extends your ability to respond to them lovingly throughout the nighttime hours. You can comfort them when they have bad dreams and respond quickly and easily when they become sick. Families who use the family bed encounter less frustration with bedtime routines because their children do not anticipate the fear of sleeping alone.

For me, it has been a treasure to have my children with me in the night. I love the warmth and tenderness of being cuddled up together in bed with my whole family. I believe it has enhanced the sense of trust we have as a family unit.

That said, I couldn’t say that you will actually get more sleep if you practice the family bed, because you probably won’t. You will end up getting kicked in some vulnerable place or another at least once or twice a night. And you will notice your children in weird positions (for example, on top of your face) and you will have to move them.

You will also worry about your children falling off the bed, unless you are using side rails. And side rails, while helpful, make your bed significantly smaller, which is something you do not need when you have that many people sharing a single mattress. You will worry about your children getting smothered in the bedclothes. Some news reports of infant deaths linked to co-sleeping may be misleading (co-sleeping parents who smother their babies to death are most often drug abusers and alcoholics), but they are enough to scare any responsible parent into searching for the safest family bed practices available.

There are several tricks I have learned that can help to reduce or eliminate common concerns about the family bed.

Infant Co-Sleeping

If you have a newborn or infant sleeping in the bed with you, you will probably want to invest in a co-sleeper. A co-sleeper is like a Pack ‘n Play with one side missing. The side that is missing hooks up to your bed and can be arranged at the same level as your mattress. This way, your baby is in his/her own space, eliminating concerns about smothering. At the same time, you are still in close contact with your baby so you can respond to all his/her nighttime needs and nurse easily, as well, if you choose to do so.

Side Rails

If you have an infant sleeping in an attached co-sleeper, you will not be able to put your mattress on the floor, which is the easiest way of preventing toddlers and other small children from falling off the bed. However, I have not seen any co-sleepers that go on the floor, so your bed will need to remain in a raised position. The second best way to prevent toddlers or older children from falling is to use a side rail. Using this arrangement, Mom sleeps next to the baby in the co-sleeper and Dad and the other children can sleep wherever they want in the remaining space. The side rail will eliminate concerns about anyone falling off the bed.

Everyone Has Their Own Blanket

When adults and young children sleep in the same bed, it is important to be sure that the children do not get smothered by the bedclothes. The best way to prevent this is by making sure each person in the bed has his or her own blanket. That way, no one will get trapped accidentally underneath a large blanket that spans the width of the entire bed.

Put Your Mattress on the Floor

If you do not have any infants in the bed, the best thing to do is eliminate your bed frame and put your mattress directly on the floor. You will sleep much easier, not having to worry about your children rolling off the bed all night. Just last night, my two-year-old son rolled off the bed onto the carpet. My husband just picked him up and gently placed him back on the bed like a tiny rag doll. He didn’t even wake up.

Never Go to Bed Inebriated

If you bed-share with small children, never go to bed inebriated. Even if you think you are okay after a couple drinks, do your children a favor and sleep on the couch. You will not want to risk being unable to rouse yourself if someone is being smothered. The same goes for being under the influence of any prescription medications that cause drowsiness. If you feel like a certain medication makes you sleep more deeply than normal, don’t risk it. Find somewhere else in the house to sleep for the night. Or throw a blanket on the floor and sleep next to the bed.

The Final Question

Many people who are considering the family bed ask the question, “Will my children ever want to sleep in their own bed, if I let them sleep in mine?” I wish I had a good answer for you. I am told that some children, all on their own, decide they would like to have their own bed. But other children apparently enjoy sleeping with their family until the arrival of the teenage years.

This is where you have to determine what your priorities are and also decide where your boundaries lie. This type of question arises continually for me as a parent. What is best for my children and what is best for me? How do I establish the balance between the two?

At this point, my husband and I are happy with our current sleeping arrangement. I do not know when or if my children will want their own rooms. I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Aside from some minor reservations about my own nighttime freedom, for me, sleeping with my two boys throughout the past five years has been overwhelming happiness and joy. I love falling asleep with them next to me. I love listening to their adorable breathing sounds and feeling their sweet baby breath against my cheek. I love watching the way they cuddle each other during the night. At some point, they may decide they want beds of their own. Or maybe they will want to share a bed with each other, but right now, I am delighted that they are still with us. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

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Posted under Family, GDM Baby.